The Artist.

The ring of smoke curled up towards the ceiling.He let loose his long hair and they fell on to his face.He loved it's silky touch.He peered across the steel bars.He did not want to get caught for smoking.He hated the complications,that usually ensued."Nothing.", he murmured to himself.

The wall behind him was splashed with colours.Pots of paint lay all across the small,dingy smoke filled room.He slowly turned his head and took a peek.The wall was the one thing that made sense to him.There were a lot of other things that did not make sense to him.Emotions.Pain.But,the wall always made sense.

There were all those stuff that he had painted.He had grown comfortable with them.But,some of them were really nasty.There was that red-pupiled eye,for instance.He was always afraid of that one.It continuously stared at him and strayed itself all over his body.However,he had painted a solid,iron box over it.The red-pupiled eye kept gasping,of course.But,he never opened it and it wilted and dissolved.

The slender and long fingers,he quite liked.They were exquisite.They often waved at him.Sometimes,it would run itself through his long,silky hair.His hairs would then stand erect and little irregularities would appear on his skin.People called them goosebumps.He felt good.But,one day it tried to run away.Not that it could.He wouldn't let it go.And,he made it agree.Over time,it became a bit shrivelled.But,that was okay.He had it all for himself.

And,the wall was made up of such intricate things,that he loved and feared.It was his masterpiece.He told them that he was an artist.And they gave him the paint and brushes.And he had made his masterpiece.They said that expressing his talent might improve him.It did.He was proud of his masterpiece.He felt satisfied.As if life finally sprung onto him, the meaning of his very existence.

"Thump.Thump.Thump."It was the patrol coming in.He stopped smoking and waved away the remnants of that lingering aroma.He hated the patrol guy.He hated his long moustache.He was always cruel to him.The noises became louder and louder and suddenly,a long baton poked him in the stomach.They usually expected him to feel it.But,his muscles hardly reacted."Sonova bitch."the patrol guy yelled at him.He snickered.He must have heard,for the pokes started to become more fast and rhythmic.Such beauty and precision.

And,then the patrol guy went away.As usual,all the poking must have made him tired.He laughed and picked up his brush.He could hear a faint murmur inside his head.He dipped the brush in the pot and started painting in a frenzy.The universe disappeared before him.There was only him and the wall.

He finally stopped and started smiling.He had done justice again.The new addition to the wall was mesmerizing,a creation which would definitely catch attention.

The moustache and the baton.

He was glowing inward,with the artistic pride,as they called it.

The Main Gate and The world beyond it.

Hello my Friend,

About 8 kms from the Thampanoor bus stand,on the Vembayam-Venjaramoodu route,there lies a mythical gate and a world beyond,which has been home to generations of youth.

The first thing that you notice as you enter through the main gate(the common name of this mythical gate),is a long walkway and a couple of old and weak dudes with big moustache roaring at you to not walk on the road(if you are a pedestrian)or to keep the correct lane(if you are in a vehicle).You would notice that the road has been widened and a footpath constructed recently and everything looks picture perfect.But,let me tell you,some years ago,it looked like something out of a village hamlet with a single tarred road marring the landscape.It was way more sexier,with a lot of trees.That's when those idiots brought in the JCBs.

As you proceed,you would see a lot of inspiring quotes written everywhere on the compound walls."Stick no bills" would have been better.You walk a bit more and to your right side,you would see a magnificent building,which is basically home to a group of chics and another group of devoted women,who have dedicated their lives to someone born approximately 2000 years ago.Of course,if you are like me,you wouldn't care about the latter.Yes,they purposefully put glass shards on the top of the wall.They know that the world is composed of men like us.

You walk for some more distance..[Loud sounds of bikes].Yes,This happens often.Any inmate of this institution,who has a vehicle,thinks that he is the king of the road.Yes,the management knew this would happen because at a certain period of time in their life called teenage,they were doing the same with bajaj scooters.But since then they have grown old and resent the fact that they have become so,they have constructed three or four ghastly bumps on the road.They are of the opinion that if you speed too much,fuck your balls.Literally.

As,I was saying,if you walk for some more distance,the road splits into two with one going to the left.As you go ahead along this road deviating to the left,you would see an institution and a lot of people trying to escape out of it.No,it's not a jail and yet I agree they are all wearing the same stuff which is such a sore in the eye.Yes,you would hear the dark curses falling out of their mouths but they seem to be such jolly chaps when they reach the walkway.

When you travel back to the main road,you would see a huge institution to the right.There are lots of legends associated with this archaic buildings.One is that great big clock tower.It is rumoured that until the clock stops,The World beyond the Main Gate shall remain impregnable to invaders from the outside trying to influence the natives.It is highly doubtful whether this is true though.There is this fountain of eternal water flow or a tap,if you are one of those lame non-poetic persons,inside this Gothic structure.Laugh all that you want.When all games are done in the nearby arena,it is this fountain that all those young gladiators run shamelessly to.Maybe you would realise it's importance when you spend a good part of your life in this world.The one beyond main gate.

Now,you slowly turn to the left...mark my words...slowly turn to the left.Yes,the slow motion is very important.You see an arena and a spectacular structure right next to it.Yes.I asked you to turn slowly because otherwise you would get dazzled by it's elegance.This my friend,is where my heart stops.All my life,it is to this place,that I keep coming back to.I have heard many an inmates of the World beyond Main Gate lamenting about their conditions.You see,my friend,I can't comprehend them.Don't they see?This is the place where friendships are forged.This is where they all slip and fall into love.(Yes,my friend you are allowed to puke.)This is where they all walk,all the way to the main gate together.(I know!I know!the vehicles.)This is where they jump compound walls to escape out of institutions and to sometimes jump into some of them,despite those glass shards.More often than not,they don't get out of this gate without a pot-load of memories in their bag.Or else,they were pretty dull to begin with.

So,friend,on one of those very ordinary days,you see a nomad wandering about this place with a dreamy look on his face and a glitter on his eyes and you think that he is a weirdo,you are very definitely right.He's just weary of all the hullabaloo outside of that Main Gate.

Kalki

It was a dimly lit room.You could barely see that swaying figure,amidst the smoky haze. But,what caught your attention when you got inside was the piercing odour of the ancient vomit,which was trying to decompose itself. Books lay torn on the ground. The wad of money and the credit cards that lay on the table was noticeable. So was a pack of unopened letters,with a handwritten address.

A photo was stuck on the back of the door. Four bobbing,smiling faces. But, it looked faded. Just beneath lay a bunch of porn magazines, crumpled as if somebody had clutched on to them like a vulture. The photos that stared back at you did not seem like the regulars. They hardly even looked like adults.

Packs of cigarettes were neatly arranged on the shelf. A lot many of them were in alphabetical order. Different names. Different colours. They hadn't been even opened yet. Broken bottles and syringes lay across the floor.

He was sitting in a pose reminiscent of meditation. But, he was swaying. His head was continuously twitching. He was giving a blank stare. His pupils were dilated.They hadn't seen bright lights for some time. Familiar sounds emanated from his laptop. But, he seemed unable to notice. His eyes kept focussing on a dark corner in the room. He wasn't wearing a shirt and bruise marks could be observed all over his body. Some bad. Some worse. His face could be hardly seen amidst his unkempt, long and dirty hair. Loud music blared from the speakers. Violent Music. Photos of beautiful, young girls adorned his wall. Some of them were encircled in red. Some of them were struck out. A bunch of red roses lay over the table. He hadn't stopped swaying.

In a nearby hospital,a middle aged man kept pacing the length of the waiting hall.  He was anxious.You could see the tension spilling out from his face.He seemed adrift in thoughts.The nurse came in."Everything went fine. See, I told you.There was no need to worry. She is fine. Go in. It's a girl." He barely mouthed a 'thank you' and rushed in. His wife was lying on the bed. She smiled at him and turned her eyes towards a small figure, lying beside her, wrapped up in towel. The baby was sleeping. He fell in love all over again. He kissed his wife and whispered 'She'll grow up to be as beautiful as you."

At the other end of the city, a police inspector was driving his car with sirens ablaze. He stopped suddenly near a garbage dump and got out. He noticed the huge crowd watching the scene in silence as his team combed through the area looking for evidence. He slowly walked towards the rotting corpse. It was a ghastly scene. There were many cuts and jabs in her body, as if she was tortured. "Twenty years of age. Evidence of drug use." The forensic surgeon murmured."Evidence of being raped as well." The inspector looked at her face and then noticed a red rose lying by its side.

"Bad business as usual eh, Sir?Need some coffee?"his constable asked. He removed his cap and nodded. It was already evening and at a distance, he could see the sun about to set. It's going to be a long night for him, he thought to himself.

To do.

Being in college and getting halfway through, results in the whole world asking you one question.

"Bacha,what are you going to do with your life?"

Until some time ago,the only sensible thing I could say was "gak".

Recently,I watched this movie called 'Bucket list'.It's not a great movie.It's basically this cliche about two dudes who got cancer and they make a list of things to do and blah.

This got me thinking.I hate engineering.I have no preference between MBA,IAS,placement yada yada.I mean my heart does not exactly leap at the thought of any of those stuff.

One of my friends told me that I am too passionate with life and not at all practical.I agree.

So,here goes my list.

1)Skydiving,bungee jumping and para gliding.(Nope.not a rip-off from the movie.wanted to do the same for like ever.)

2)Visit Disneyland.(childhood stuff.I tend to never grow up.)

3)Write a novel and publish it.(courtesy LnD and all the noticeboard work.)

4)Stay in a luxurious hotel near a beach for like one week,get pampered. :D

5)Become an astronaut.(for zero-g and that cool view of earth)

6)Build up a small business enterprise and when it becomes too big,get out with fair remunerations ;)

7)Be the coolest dad to my kids.(put into my head by this series called 'Castle')

8)Have sex in all the wild positions described by kamasutra(too much of porn,I think)

9)Publish a thesis.(tada...yeah and to fall in love with and study something,that is not a college course)

10)Fall in love and marry a hawt,attitude girl with the right kinda heart(Mushiness.This reminds me so much of the crap I told on stage for first year debutante)

11)Get totally wasted for one week in a row.(This one's easy considering the college I am in.:D)

12)Learn to fly a biplane.(It has an open cockpit.)

13)Construct a remote controlled toy helicopter(Well,I ended up in B.Tech electronics and so.;))

14)Climb Mt.Everest.(Bucket list copy-paste 1 :D)

15)Help a complete stranger.Make him smile(Bucket list copy-paste 2.Another thing that I can do easily and have like kept on procrastinating all throughout my life...will do,one day....;))

16)Make an awesome speech in the United Nations and get a standing ovation.(I don't even know where that came up from.)

17)Get my name into the Guinness book of Records.(Yeah.seriously.)

18)See a World Cup final in India,live inside the stadium with,India participating.(I missed the chance recently and I do have an idea of what I missed.So,that's why.)

19)Attend a College Re-union after like 25 years.It would be funny.very funny.

20)Ditto with school.

21)[Certain childhood promises. ;)]

22)Surprise my Dad,Mom and Sissy.This one moment for which they'll be like "oh-shit-he-did-that-for-us!"

23)Wander for like 20-something years all over the world and then finally settle in Trivandrum.And Reconnect. :)

24)This guy,my Physics tuition teacher has Parkinson's disease.He basically caught this scruffy kid and made him sit and study at like the last moment.Now,the interesting part is when I finally sat and studied,I did it for the love of it.Not for the sake of a degree or entrance.I kinda want to do that for the rest of my life.I want to give back to him,what he gave to me.

25)And,when I finally sign-off,I want to sign off bloody well.Leave footprints in concrete.Tonnes of memories.Be terribly missed.

So,I don't even know whether I am actually going to complete this list ever.But,if somebody asks me what I wish to do with my life, atleast I have an answer.

And besides,what's there in life if you don't go chase all the nutcrack things your brain cooks up?eh

Mediocrity vs Ambitions.

Now,even before I start my blog,I know there would be loud cries of indignation from different quarters of the mature adult world when they read this.They would comment on the kiddish,idealistic tendencies that I have.

Now,let's see,what the status quo is,in this country of this debate(No,it is not one sided as you might think.)Educated parents around here,send their kid to some expensive school.They force them to sit and study.

And in the end,the kid has only two choices really

1)Engineering.

2)Medicine.

If he is not good enough,he gets bundled off to some arts or literature college,which is supposedly not that great.

Did anybody ask the kid anything?

No.

And,from the very first day,he lands up here,a carrot is tied in front of him and he is made to run somebody else's race.And,when he falls,he gets ignored which means,his entire life is spent around in catching up so that he would get some attention.So that, he won't be looked down upon.

A haunting life.

But,why?A degree on top of another degree.A pack of certificates piled up one after the another,in stuffs that you don't care about.

Oh,you wanted to make an impact in this world?you wanted to become famous?your parents wanted you to become famous?rich?

Nobody including me,would assert that money doesn't matter.It does.But,then when you earn it,why don't you earn it by doing something you are passionate about?And,not something that you got pushed onto.

Around 60 years from now(if we live to see that age),we would glance back at life.Every Kodak moment would count.All the God-I-got-really-fucked-but-I-sailed-through experiences would count.When you get out of your house and when you hear that old friend(grey.frail.beaming) of yours yelling at you for another game of cricket,that would count.The high fives would count.So,would those awesome memories of bunking,yodelling and doing crazy stuff.That awesome life you lived with your sweetheart counts and the messed up disaster of relationships you have had before that would also count.

My 12^th grade(read Senior High in my country) Physics tuition teacher was the best that I had.I respect him a lot.He continually asks me to shut myself up in my college library and study day in and day out.But,one day when I visited him on my vacation,after the usual “sit-and-study-and-do-nothing-else”,he started describing his college days. He turned out to be a total wacko,who did mad stuffs at college. And,the laughter that echoed from him,when he related his college days,was what made an impression on me,not the fact that a brilliant guy was sitting there as a 12^th grade tuition teacher

And,your family?My favourite tv series would be undoubtedly Castle.There is this terrific scene in that series,where Castle shows Beckett(search Wikipedia to know who they are),a photo of him and his daughter,when she was around 3 years old.He describes how around at that age,he would make sure that at the end of each day, he would take her for a visit to the park.He continues by commenting on the fact that she has grown up and would probably assert her independence.Beckett remarks how his daughter would be asserting her independence,knowing that even if she falls,she would have her best friend(read her dad) behind her to catch hold of her.

Unimportant?Sounds gay or lame or mushy?Really,my friend?

In the end,I am throwing at you,a facebook status that I put up inspired by another comment my friend,Venu put up in his profile,

So,you have one more semester to go before some weird accident happens and you get chucked out of the world.And,you know it.How would you live that semester?rat races do not make up life:P, they seriously don't.Get your perspectives right.

Even if you end up being mediocre,I suspect in the end you wouldn't care two cahoots.

A Thesis on Lurve.

It was night.I was holed up inside one of those AC buses,about to leave Trivandrum..I casually glanced across the one way glass.I could see my dad at some distance.He was fidgeting with his phone.And,my eyes darted beyond him and random thoughts started inflicting my mind.
Not random actually,it was more about this curious phenomena called 'love' which have made the newer generations go really hormonal.And,when you are nineteen turning twenty,have had three relationships(well,to be honest,the first one was hugely whacked apart when the girl gave my first ever love letter to her mom and the mom decided I was a very cute baby.heartbreaking.And the second one,after going on for like three years and then drifting off,the girl comes and tells me..dude, you were my little bro.really very annoying.) and being surrounded by whackos who have whacky relationships,this was something that I could actually sit and think about.
So, roughly my thoughts went on like this.
"
The love market is thriving,these days.You see those frills and hearts everywhere.'Men are from Mars,Women are from Venus' is a run away hit.And,my hometown is littered with love smitten butterflies,who complain about the lack of meeting places in Trivandrum.Hmm..This is amply illustrated by the fact that these days,when you visit the museum,you have to be careful around the bushes.Don't go too near them.seriously.

And,these days the kids start even earlier.When I was in school,a couple of my friends,once caught this kid in junior class.He had written this love letter to some other girl in class.Now,we would have still been like "kids-these-days...",hadn't all the other girls in class turned in letters,written by our young romeo.All my friends could do was look at each other and start recounting the glory days of their childhood gender wars.I mean seriously I know it's the generation gap speaking.
But,I believe that kids should try the merry-go-round first and then fall in love.It would seriously ruin the merry-go-round experience,if they fall in love first.

And,these days it's love polygons that's in the vogue.You ain't cool until you are in something where you lose count as to who loves who :p.A loves B,B loves C,C loves A,D love B's big bro,C loves A's dad....very annoying.Why can't people keep it simple?.Such Drama.

Not to mention all those who sit silently and bear the antics of their lurve,even though some of them come close to torture in the name of,well,love.Well,no comments.
I understand in love you have to give up stuff and some part of your independence.But,then seriously,if the moron on the other side take it for granted,ah well.

But,somebody once told me,all this hullabaloo is quite justified.That's why it's called love.There's a hundred and one shitty ways of making crap out of yourself,when you go after that love thing and then there's one right way,which nobody knows exactly(And yet they don't freaking shut up talking about it,do they?like this blog for instance.).So,much for that.

Come to think of it,I guess the reader,just like me,won't have the faintest idea as to how one half of the world falls for the other half.It would have been much more convenient if everybody could have sex as they please(that does not include incest, by the way.),without going into something which for half the time is a pain in the ass for everybody.We are disasters in this messy business.

All said and done,even the reader would agree it's sometimes awesome fun,plunging in and out of love.Going into depression and then coming out of it,when you see another gorgeous babe or hot guy walking in the distance.And,with some rotten luck,some pest of a guy or girl will get stuck up with you for the rest of your roller coaster life.It did be cool."

The bus started,my father stopped fiddling with his phone and finally called me.He had waited for nearly an hour outside.He had earlier,proclaimed that he would go only when the bus started.He wanted to make sure I was alright.Now,usually I would have started on how I was twenty years old etc.But,that time,I did not.I could see that he was sad about me leaving Trivandrum.He missed me.And,I remembered,this was the same look that he had on his face,when during my childhood,he dropped me at school.

Love eh?

After,all the analysis people sit and do on it,it still manages to truly astound you.

College.

Dear Reader,

A week later,I will be leaving Trivandrum for my college.A flood of thoughts is pouring into  my mind as I live out the countdown,about my college.And I wanted to jot it down.

When you are in school,life's a lot simpler.You can dream the tallest of dreams.You are surrounded by people who love and protect you.There's that wonderful gang of your's,people who lived a lifetime with you.And so on and so forth.But,I am not in school now.I had made that transition one year back.And one week later,I will be officially entering my second year at college.

My feelings?hard to fathom.Engineering is something I don't like and Electronics and Communication is something I don't like at all.Transistors,resistors and capacitors look better to me when it is flushed down the toilet.And PCB's look better when I smash it down someone's head.I guess that expresses my love for Engineering.As like a million others in the world,the kid with the tall dreams fell into the rut of living out other's expectations once he graduated out of school.

But,whatever.

So College life(and some of my resolutions ;) )....

Friends?I seemed to have made a bunch of them.I have a gut feeling that some of those bonds will get really deep.It's the one redeeming factor about that college.A hostel life filled with a wide variety of characters,some of whom you have really grown to like and respect.I hell want it grow.deeper.three more years eh?\m/

Girls?Ahem Ahem.To be fair,I don't yet really know any of them.I mean.... really know.And since,All throughout my life back in Trivandrum,I have been surrounded by really proud, dashing,attitudinal tomboys including my sister,my mom and my bring-the-world-down friends,I have developed a prejudice over here in my college.There are a few hot chics,some very cool ones,one or two really innocent ones...quite a mixture but then aah well.I hope I can break a lot of ice there as well as a lot of prejudices.give me some time.:D

L n D?okay.In short,it's a club back there in my college.Not everybody gets into it.And those who do develop a long lasting relationship with it.It takes a long time for me to relate to stuff,get sentimentally attached and learn to  miss it when it's not there.Not to mention,I am inherently lazy and this is one hectic club,planning and doing all sort of stuff..So,I am looking forward to this one.this relationship eh?

Dreams?Yeah okay.I made a mistake.But I guess sitting around and cryin won't do.Campus placements are not what I want I guess,really.It did be fun attending all those interviews.But,I want to do something maddening with life.Not sit in an office.I do plan to write every single examinations around.all those three-letter,four-letter ones you can think of.yeah every single one of them.for the fun of it.And,I am certainly attempting some of those childhood dreams.Astronaut, Spy,Cryptographer,Mathematician,Astronomer,Teacher...its a long list, really.I seem to be suffering  from a lack of goal.I do actually,I havent found out what I really love and I am not going to make the same mistake twice.Read transistors,resistors,capacitors and PCBs.An ode to jumping around,acting crazy,and doing mad things till you find what you love.

My Love?No not the dreams...the live one..wow that sounds real dorky.extremely.so,shove it.She already knows.perfectly.

My Schoolmates?wait a second.How do they connect to my college life?.I wont be able to explain it but they do.I may not maintain contact very often.toldja,I am inherently very lazy.But,I did like to keep some of them really close to my life.of course,things are not what it was.We have all changed,havent we?from the really fantastically wild kids we were,now each of us living our own lives.But,that doesnt mean anything really.There is this awesome amount of happiness and glow I get when I see and talk to some of you.And to these people I say, I hell dont wanna miss anything in your lives nor do I want you people to miss out on mine.promise?

My School?eh.....Ah couldn't resist again.yeah I know I am talking of college life.And whenever,I am at crossroads in my college life(I guess,there will be a lot many on the way)I will be coming back here to fall back to the memories,to get inspired to choose what I really want and to fucking party with life...roots eh?the 14 years....yeah I am in college but I am going to hold on to this one.won't grow up.no chance in hell.:D

And now for the ending. cmon how do I end this?When I finally got out of school,I had an inner glow.A feeling that I had fuckin lived it the way I wanted,giving two cahoots to everybody and yet I had people surrounding me who loved me for what I was.I had done a lot of crazy stuff.And I had developed a bond.I chose this college because of a lot of reasons.Some of them were not at all stupid(sarcasm!sarcasm!).And,some of them,never materialised out.ahem.And now it's kind of uncertain.(which is about the best word I could come up with.)But,isn't there something sexy in the uncertainess?eh?And so,There's one thing I wanna shout out loud and clear amidst all that uncertainess.When I come out of my college,it will be exactly similar to the way I got out of school.

It's a promise.

your always,

Torque.